New Years Resolutions, New Intern Applications and Foreseeing Culture Shock

Bow's new year resolution to learn to play the piano seems to have fizzled out, as happens with many a new year's resolution. He played with the keyboard a couple of times after the initial attempy, and Lawrence was trying to teach him the scale, but Bow lost interest and handed the keyboard back and asked for it to be taken away.

That's actually one of the new ways in which Bow has been showing more self-control lately: when he no longer wants something in with him, instead of trying to destroy it, he asks for it to be taken away. Yesterday, Lawrence was here, and Bow had had his blanket with him all afternoon, but by the time I came in to relieve Lawrence, the blanket had been put away.

"Bow handed me the blanket and told me to put it up," Lawrence explained. "He said he wanted to eat." (Bow knows I always ask for the blanket before I serve dinner, but he didn't wait for me to come in and ask. He wanted to be ready.)

I hope that in the future, if Bow is not having a good time with one of the interns, he will also find the words to say: "Please go out now," rather than using a more direct approach to get them to leave. This is one of the things that I am thinking about with the regard to possible summer interns. Because right now the applications are starting to come in, and these are eager students, many with excellent qualifications and valuable experiences. I hope that we will find a good match for Bow and for our program.

But in addition to worrying about whether the new intern will get along with Bow, I also worry about other things. I worry that maybe these young people have had all their education in academic settings that were so institutionalized, that they might not even conceive of the idea of a private research project setting. I am working hard to alert them to our lack of institutional affiliation, and everything that this implies. I am hoping to find future students among the applicants, but they are probably unprepared for what it would be like to pursue a research project for years without substantial funding. It will be an eye opening experience for them on so many levels. After all, in the real world everything is very different.

Goodbye to Megan

Today, Bow and Sword and I said goodbye to Megan. She decided last night to leave early, and this morning she came and brought all the keys back and her unused Wal*Mart card, and we said goodbye. She lasted two weeks and two days. She's done better than some, but certainly not as well as we had hoped.

Bow is sitting here making raspberry sounds as I write this. I think he doesn't want me relating this story, as it does not reflect well on him. Also, there are cookies in the oven, (Sword has a friend over), and he doesn't want me to forget to take them out before they get too brown.

I just went over and asked Bow what he wants. He spelled: "Don't tell that I bit. Try to say that she was bad." Well, I can't say that. Megan was not bad. And Bow didn't exactly bite. He did kind of scratch up her face though, nothing serious. It will heal fine. But it was scary for her, because she didn't see it coming.

I took the cookies out of the oven. While they are cooling, I'll give a short sketch of what happened.

Bow was a perfect gentleman with Megan for the first two weeks, up until the last hour or so of last Saturday. He used the potty. He spelled for her. He didn't do anything aggressive -- or at least,  nothing that she reported. Last Saturday, toward the end, he got a little rowdy, and she gave him some time out.

When Megan returned on Tuesday, after her two days off, again everything seemed fine between the two of them. Bow used the potty. He asked for food at dinner. He specified exactly which apple he wanted, the yellow or the green. She put him to bed, and, according to her, he was very sweet.

Then, on Wednesday morning, just as she came in to the pen, Bow jumped on her back, and he grazed her with his teeth, not biting, but scratching. I was there on the other side of the glass, and I had her come out at once, and I put Bow in a smaller space, sprayed him with water. I went out with Megan, abandoning Bow in his punishment cell,  and I gave Megan some Betadine to put on the scratches. We went for a walk with Brownie, and talked about what had happened and why.

It turns out, in retrospect, that there were some warnings, moments when Bow overstepped his bounds, but was not disciplined. For instance, at bedtime, Megan was reading Bow Where the Wild Things Are, and he grabbed the book, and she told him "No." And he then held on to her finger and squeezed for a moment. She let that pass.

When Bow does something to make someone uncomfortable, overstepping personal boundaries, he has to be confronted in a low pitched, aggressive voice, and he must be disciplined at once. If not, the next incident will be worse. Things escalate.  But in this society, many of us have been socialized to forgive and turn the other cheek, and these are not good strategies to use with chimpanzees. Or with human beings, for that matter. People take advantage. They react to kindness as if it were weakness. They misread each others' signals.

Lawrence arrived at 9:30, when Megan and I were just finishing our walk. I asked him to walk with Brownie some more, so that Megan would have a chance to punish Bow herself. I showed her how to spray Bow with water, and I watched as she hosed him down. Bow screamed.

There is a place for forgiveness. That place is after the perpetrator has been punished and shown remorse. I hoped that Megan and Bow would make peace by the end of the day. She sat on the other side of the glass, and every time he used the potty, she went in and emptied it. Bow did not once break his potty training in all this. He dutifully used the potty every thirty minutes, then every fifteen, then every ten minutes, in the hopes that Megan might stay in with him. But she kept her distance.

Lawrence was scheduled to do lunch with Bow, and Megan came in at two to relieve him, but she and Bow did not play. She sat on the other side of the glass and emptied the potty every time he used it.

By three-thirty, she had decided not to stay and finish up the internship. I asked Lawrence to take over for her, because I  had to take Sword in for her music lesson.

When someone falls off a horse, they say, he should get right back on again. I myself have never fallen off a horse, so I can't say. It could have gone either way. Other interns have been scratched and went on to be very successful with Bow. It really depends on their emotional reaction though; the successful ones were angry enough with what he did to exact some vengeance and win his respect. Those whose reaction is sadness and fear never stay, and I never ask them to go in with Bow again, because it would not be safe.

I do appreciate the one intern in the past who, without  ever having been scratched, admitted that she was not up to the task of going in with Bow, but stayed to complete her internship, working behind the camera and editing and writing reports. I gave her a very good recommendation, because she knew her limits, but honored her commitment.

While Megan has not chosen to stay, I still appreciate her honesty and her effort and the degree of success that she did initially have with Bow.  We parted in a friendly way, and I am grateful for the time that she gave us.

From here on in, it's twelve hours in the pens for me once more. But that two week partial vacation was really nice!

Holding the Line

Sunday was just us, Bow and Sword and me. Bow asked me if Megan was mad at him and would she come back. I told him she would come back, but she would stay only if he behaved. He answered: "Yes."

This morning, Bow staged a confrontation with Lawrence. It was about nothing in particular. Bow rattled the door, Lawrence told him not to, Bow lashed out with an attack posture, but did not follow through. In the process, Bow wet the floor, and this resulted in his getting disciplined,which consisted of being sprayed with water. After that, Bow was very conciliatory and deferential toward Lawrence, and the rest of the day was filled with friendship and camaraderie and playing in the outer pen. Lawrence and Bow had a great time together.

This is a lesson that is hard to learn, and one that we tend to suppress in this day and age: giving in to bullies results in more bullying. A show of strength restores peace and allows for a smooth relationship to develop. It's kind of like what my mother told me when she sent me off to kindergarten: "If anybody hits you, you hit back harder." We do this not just for ourselves, but for the sake of the next person, too. Bow likes to know that the rules haven't changed. It gives him a sense of security. But the only way he's absolutely sure the rules are still the same is by crossing the line every so often and seeing what happens. What happens is up to us.

Acting Like a Guy

Today marked the end of Megan's second week with Project Bow. All in all, things have been going very well. Megan has enticed Bow to ask for "Magic Crayons", and while he has been reluctant to speak with her unless he had a very good reason to do so, Megan has been good at providing those reasons. For instance, it was clear all along that Bow likes to go outside, but he was refraining from asking to go. Many days passed when Megan and Bow both stayed in, just because Bow was too proud or stubborn to say what he wanted. But today Megan told Bow: "I really want to go outside. It's such a beautiful day! Bow, why don't you ask me to go out so that I can go outside, too. I really want to!" When she put it that way, Bow couldn't resist. He asked to go outside.

They had a nice time outside together, but after they came back in, and this was toward the end of the day, Bow began jumping uncontrollably at Megan and displaying at her. He didn't do anything dangerous or that would hurt her, but he was definitely not behaving well. Megan told him"No", and when he would not stop, she left him alone in the pen, and went and sat on the other side of the glass. She explained to him that he would have to behave properly, or she would not come back in. He eventually used the potty, and she came in to tend to that, and afterwards he behaved better. But when I came to relieve Megan at 5:00, he started jumping again, and she told me about what had happened.

After she left, I asked Bow why he behaved that way. At first he spelled: "Mommy is happy without Bow." I asked: "You mean, you missed me?"  He spelled: "Bow is happy without Mommy." Okay.

But after dinner, when his belly was full, he asked: "When will Megan let me act like a guy?"

Sword said: "Bow, you're not a guy. You're little."

And  I told Bow that he needed to show Megan respect. But I don't think any of our answers were all that satisfying. It'll be another two days till Bow sees Megan again. Hopefully, in that time, he will decide that he wants to spend time with her and that he is ready to behave.

At Long Last Lunch!

 Today, Sword had a gymnastics exhibition, and she did quite well. While we were out doing that, Megan stayed with Bow and fed him lunch. It was a great success! Bow tried to talk to her in Hebrew at first, but Megan let him know quite firmly that he would have to spell out something that she could understand if he was going to be served what he wanted. He therefore spelled out "apple", "banana" and "juice." It is a bare minimum, considering the many and varied things he can spell, but it is a start! We are all happy! And that was Megan's first week as a Project Bow volunteer! We'll see her again on Tuesday.

Wednesday: A very good second day

Bow really likes Megan. He's told me so. He's told Lawrence so. He hasn't told Megan in so many words, but the proof is in his behavior. He hasn't given her any grief. This is her second day, and it went off without a hitch.

Megan stayed with Bow for three hours in the morning. Then Lawrence came in for a long lunch with Bow, and afterwards Bow spent another three hours with Megan.

I knew I could leave Megan and Bow alone when he agreed to use the potty with her. So far, no accidents. Not much language use, but he did write a little. He asked her to go outside, although he spelled it funny, not because he can't spell correctly, but because this is another way he has of testing people. He is reluctant to give too much away too soon. But they did go outside, and they came in again when Bow needed to use the potty.

Bow knows that he likes Megan, but he has trouble expressing what he likes most about her. When Lawrence asked him that, Bow let the sentence he was trying to form just trail away.

Bow likes Megan

Today Bow met our new intern, Megan. He liked her right from the start. At first, they got to know one another through the grid, and only after quite some time did Bow say it was okay for her to come into the pen with him. I went out one door, and Megan came in through the other. She sat quietly and allowed Bow to examine her. He hair, her feet, her nostrils. All interesting stuff. Later they groomed and even played a relaxed form of chase. He was very nice to her, and there was no pressure. The only thing is, he wouldn't use the potty while she was in with him. So every once in a while she would go out, and I would come in, and Bow would immediately go and pee in the potty for me. Then I would go out after emptying the potty and returning it, and Megan would go back in to play with Bow. I think Bow is embarrassed to pee in front of a new person, but it would be even more embarrassing to have an accident, I would think. He will have to get over this shyness, but we take things one day at a time. Today was a good day. We met a new person, and we hit it off well. After Megan went home to Orchard House, I asked Bow: "Did you like her?" He answered: "Yes. All ladies are good."

Tomorrow's the Day

The Project Bow Summer Internship starts tomorrow. We have all been getting ready. Orchard House is prepared. The keys are on a new key chain and all is in readiness. This afternoon Lawrence said to Bow: "Somebody new is coming tomorrow. What do you think about that?"

Bow spelled: "I think it is good." It's not what he said before, but it's a nice change!

Summer Routines at Project Bow

Summer routines for anyone who has school-aged children are different from winter habits. Children are let out of school, and for those who have no stay-at-home parents, this requires alternative child-care arrangements.

Sword's school offers a summer school program that basically consists of babysitting. For those parents who could not spend this time with their children, anyway, it is a state-sponsored day care. We all pay for it, but only some people use it. Sword and I are grateful, however, that the program is not mandatory. I want Sword at home in the summer, and she enjoys the extra freedom, too.

Summer routines at Project Bow are different, as well. We have a new intern arriving this Tuesday, and we are all anxious to meet her.  I am sure that we will learn new things from her, and the she will  learn from us. Every new person has their own way of relating to Bow, and our lives are enriched by the added perspective. What new talents will she share with us? What new stories will she tell? What new games will she teach us to play?

Changes in routine can be disruptive, but they also bring with them new opportunities. Bow and I are looking forward to Tuesday!

Summer Plans

It's almost summer. Sword has one more week of school. The summer internship starts June first, and we will welcome new people into our lives. In some ways, everything changes during the summer. There are more opportunities, more things to accomplish, but also we find that our comfortable routine is interrupted, and in some ways much less is achieved. Definitely less writing gets done.

Most people's lives are so full of social activity that they hardly get anything accomplished. Yes, they may work at a job that pays their bills, but that job is often not where their heart is. They may meet with friends and socialize after work, but that also is not where their lasting contribution to humanity is made. They may write out a check to their favorite charity, and this may make them feel good, but their personal stamp does not leave its mark there, either. After they die, maybe a headstone is erected or somebody dedicates a park bench in their name. But that, too, is mostly an empty gesture, because what does the name mean, without the person that goes with it?

Internships with Project Bow are a chance for young people to make a real contribution and a lasting connection with someone who is very different from them and also very similar. Interns enrich Bow's life, and that makes me happy, too.

However, it's a lot of work. And a little disruptive. Interns, in theory, free me for more hours during the summer months, but it takes a good three weeks before I can really relax and stop supervising. The first few weeks of an internship are full of tension, as Bow tries every trick in the book to test his new friend. Only after they pass the tests does he let up, and that's when some real benefit can be derived from the volunteers' presence.

The long winter months when Bow and I are alone are a time of reflection, introspection and quiet fellowship. Summer is a time of  more excitement, more breakthroughs, more conflict, and leaving ourselves open to new experiences. Bow is ambivalent about new arrivals, but he always asks eagerly: "When will they get here?

"I don't want new people"

It's that time of year again. Time to interview applicants for the Project Bow Summer Internship. I have to go over their documents and set up phone interviews and read between the lines and make some kind of gut level assessment. There are the things they say, but just as important are the things they don't say. There are the things I can ask them, and the things it is better not to ask.

Even though our internship program has gotten us some wonderful people to work and play with over the years, Bow and I are always a little on edge while it is all in suspense. Who will come? Will we like them? Will they like us? Will they stay for the whole period, or will their "grandmother" mysteriously become ill, requiring them to make a hasty departure? Will we click? Will they judge us and find us wanting?

Anybody who volunteers is bound to be a good person, because there is no pay involved and no reason to come help us, unless they really care. But even good people can have disagreements, and, besides, the biggest unresolved issue in human relations is: what does it mean to be good?

Not everyone who loves chimpanzees agrees on what is best for them. Some of the biggest areas of disagreement are between people who care. The last thing we need is an animal rights activist intent on "liberating" Bow. So I have to be very careful when making my selection.

Lawrence came over today to watch Bow, while I ran errands. I mentioned that I was interviewing people this week. "Oh. What does Bow think about that?" he asked.

"I don't. We haven't discussed it."

While I was gone, Lawrence asked Bow what he thought about the interns. Bow spelled: "I don't want new people."

He never wants new people, and he can be mean and conniving when they first come. But with most of our interns, once the ice has melted, Bow is quite attached to them and very sorry to see them go.

Accepting new people into our lives means taking a chance. It's usually well worth it. But right at first, it's hard to trust somebody new.